The Big Step – A Personal Reflection.

The Big Step is a campaign project formed and run by people who have suffered gambling harm. We are a part of Gambling With Lives, a charity set up by bereaved family members and friends who have lost loved ones due to gambling-related suicide.

It was the morning of The Big Step and I knew I was anxious: Double checking the front door was locked; being generally forgetful; struggling to actively listen and process conversation; hyper and scattered – classic traits from years past and all signs that I am finding it hard to process the upcoming trip.

When we eventually got on the road – after cleaning bird shit off the car for the second time that week – I was driving like a nervous teenager, sitting their practical.

It’s funny (or potentially fatal come to think of it…) how my brain works. There’s nothing quite like a change of routine, a bit of excitement and a bright yellow hoodie to knock me off centre.

Although I am a constant work in progress (as I should be), I’m completely comfortable and fully understand how I function. Reacting in such a way is usually a sign that I am invested and that I care.

Now in my mid-thirties and six years without a bet, I tend to have a strong grip on how I generally operate and can roll with most things. But occasionally, I can become overwhelmed in social situations when there’s too much going on, especially around people I don’t know. It can lead to me completely disengaging, going off on my own, and doing my own thing (which can present itself as brutally obvious although rarely personal) whilst I take time to settle in and work things out.

Alternatively, I’ll hit the beers, latch on to a couple of people that I can instantly relate to, and get loose without making the effort to get to know other people – partly, to avoid being socially awkward or risk offending anyone. I can be sharp at times.

I didn’t particularly want either of those scenarios for this trip but I wasn’t sure what version of me would turn up.

The reality is, that not many people in my family (my wonderful wife and some close friends aside) who I should be close with know me that well:

My sister cut me out of her life seven years ago (nothing to do with gambling) and I have two nephews I have never met. I have no idea if she knows what I’m up-to.

My grandad who I was close with, died of Parkinson’s a couple of years back – I tend to push my emotions down but I know that I miss him.

I’m content for both my grandmothers to be oblivious to my gambling past.

I’m not regularly in touch with anyone in my extended family.

My parents? If anything, I’ve pushed them further away since being active in the online community and I’m still not fully comfortable with them following my story and progress. I shut them out, and I know this. But I know that they are proud of me and we are good people. It’s our collective baggage along with poor communication that is holding us back. 

As the mini-bus full of yellow clad ‘Big Steppers’ pulled into Gretna FC, I was immediately disarmed of all my quirks. I have heard their stories; I’ve followed their progress; I’ve gotten to know them somewhat online; and now I’m meeting them in the flesh.

Straight-away, I already felt like I knew these people; and I felt like they knew me.

The group have one big thing in common: we have all been harmed by gambling either directly or indirectly. And that brings with it a feeling of togetherness – along with a personal connection that is profound and truly special.

As the walking commenced and the weekend unfolded, we trekked our way down through The Lake District. I was blown away by the genuine kindness and the warmth of everyone involved. The perfect weather, awesome lunch spots, and glorious scenery was an added bonus and despite the blisters and weary legs, I enjoyed every moment of it.

I only signed up for the weekend (50 miles) and not the full 10 days (nearly 300 miles) but come Sunday when it was time to say goodbye, I wanted to stay and keep walking. Not so much for the physical feat, but to offer my support to the others.

For someone who has learned to let their guard down a bit more in recent times (laying it all out for the world to see online has helped) this weekend really meant a lot to me. I want you all to know, that It felt like I was leaving friends and family behind. It will live with me forever.

A heart-felt thank you and a huge well done to everyone involved. And thank you to The Big Step for having me along. Your efforts and personal sacrifices are inspirational.

Darren.