Despite of two failed marriages, a kidnapping and an abusive ex boyfriend,(Could be true)twenty-three year old Debbie from the internet has decided to give dating one last chance by making a short video blog for eHarmony. She’s pretty and seems nice enough. In fact for the first ten seconds of this video I was charmed by Debbie. Annoying but harmless. But I guess ‘making a good first impression’ counts for shit, if you are going to spend the next two minutes having an emotional breakdown. So don’t be fooled guys. She is in fact mental. No shocker but she isn’t your average bunny boiler. She has an unhealthy obsession with cats. No really. This is all she talks about. All different kinds of cats. Cats with bow ties, cats in baskets and cats on rainbows?
It could be worse I guess.
She could love calling your mum, watching you sleep and shagging your friends.
(By the way, this video is fake folks. Quite convincing though don’t you think? She should make it a series.)
How long could you possibly last on an evening with this girl? I guess only the patient, sympathetic and extremely horny need apply. Still, even then you’re going to need some help. There is only so much crying over dead family pets you could take.
Luckily for you I have created some helpful tips for surviving the evening, depending on what you fancy doing.
Take the sensible road and get out of there before you need a rabies jab?
Or be adventurous and go back and meet the kittens?
Now brushing straight past all the possibilities for ‘Pussy’ jokes…
Six ways to save your life
1 – Keep talking about how much you love dogs. Simple thinking really but a bit risky. She might love them too! But it’s worth ago. Of course she might be full-blown snooker loopy and be disgusted that you even said that. This could lead to a violent outburst, which would be the perfect reason to dart. Still there is plenty of room for manoeuvre here. If she enters into a light-hearted debate about which is better, just keep shutting her down with hard-hitting one liners such as “My dog would tear your cat apart”. You’ll soon break her down judging by the video.
2 – Tell her how Tom and Jerry was your favourite cartoon growing up. Get animated (pun intended) on how much you always rooted for Jerry and laughed every time Tom got smashed in the face with an iron.
3 – A simple, directed jab at her Hello Kitty handbag. “How old are you? Ten?” will do.
4 – Tell her stories. None of them have to be remotely true but just make sure they have the demise of cats in there. For example talk about how you once knew a farmer that drowned litters of kittens in a barrel as he could never sell them all on. Again this is a risky strategy. This could easy result in taking her home and pretty cruel regardless of what you end up doing. Still. She’s mental. Needs must.
5 – When it comes to your round, buy her a glass of milk. This should be awkward and insulting enough to allow the evening to grind to a holt.
6 – Role play like George Galloway. I really can’t think of anything worse you could do. Commiserations if you made it that far.
Six ways to end your life
1 – Volunteer at the animal shelter. Okay so that’s a fair hassle but it will pay off. Steal one of the kittens and take it on the date. This may distract her from you, but at least you have the power and hold all the cards. In fact you might want to leave it at home. She can come and see it later. Better still just buy a kitten. ( God this post is going downhill fast….)
2- Take her to see CATS ( the musical). Fairly obvious one here but if that doesn’t get you somewhere – nothing will.
3- A trip to the karaoke bar might be a good shout. Dazzle her with a bit of Tom Jones.What’s new pussy cat? A notch in her bedpost that’s what.
4- Show her this picture:
5 – Brush up on your ancient history. An hour on Wiki or Google before the date should suffice. Bash out some random facts about Egypt and talk about how impressed you were at the Mummified Cat Exhibition at the Museum Of Natural History. If you feel out of your depth try a different approach. Perhaps comment on the decline of big cats in the wild due to poaching, deforestation and inbreeding. If all else fails just say you’ve seen Cats And Dogs on DVD a thousand times with your little cousin.
6 – Brag about that time you fought a mouse…