Monthly Archives: June 2011

The Best Of YouTube: eHarmony Debbie.

Despite of two failed marriages, a kidnapping and an abusive ex boyfriend,(Could be true)twenty-three year old Debbie from the internet has decided to give dating one last chance by making a short video blog for eHarmony. She’s pretty and seems nice enough. In fact for the first ten seconds of this video I was charmed by Debbie. Annoying but harmless. But I guess ‘making a good first impression’ counts for shit, if you are going to spend the next two minutes having an emotional breakdown. So don’t be fooled guys. She is in fact mental. No shocker but she isn’t your average bunny boiler. She has an unhealthy obsession with cats. No really. This is all she talks about. All different kinds of cats. Cats with bow ties, cats in baskets and cats on rainbows?

Sure…

It could be worse I guess.

She could love calling your mum, watching you sleep and shagging your friends.

(By the way, this video is fake folks. Quite convincing though don’t you think? She should make it a series.)

How long could you possibly last on an evening with this girl? I guess only the patient, sympathetic and extremely horny need apply. Still, even then you’re going to need some help. There is only so much crying over dead family pets you could take.

Luckily for you I have created some helpful tips for surviving the evening, depending on what you fancy doing.

Take the sensible road and get out of there before you need a rabies jab?

Or be adventurous and go back and meet the kittens?

Now brushing straight past all the possibilities for ‘Pussy’ jokes…

Six ways to save your life

1 –  Keep talking about how much you love dogs. Simple thinking really but a bit risky. She might love them too! But it’s worth ago. Of course she might be full-blown snooker loopy and be disgusted that you even said that. This could lead to a violent outburst, which would be the perfect reason to dart. Still there is plenty of room for manoeuvre here. If she enters into a light-hearted debate about which is better, just keep shutting her down with hard-hitting one liners such as “My dog would tear your cat apart”. You’ll soon break her down judging by the video.

2 – Tell her how Tom and Jerry was your favourite cartoon growing up. Get animated (pun intended) on how much you always rooted for Jerry and laughed every time Tom got smashed in the face with an iron.

3 – A simple, directed jab at her Hello Kitty handbag. “How old are you? Ten?” will do.

4 – Tell her stories. None of them have to be remotely true but just make sure they have the demise of cats in there. For example talk about how you once knew a farmer that drowned litters of kittens in a barrel as he could never sell them all on. Again this is a risky strategy. This could easy result in taking her home and pretty cruel regardless of what you end up doing. Still. She’s mental. Needs must.

5 – When it comes to your round, buy her a glass of milk. This should be awkward and insulting enough to allow the evening to grind to a holt.

6 – Role play like George Galloway. I really can’t think of anything worse you could do. Commiserations if you made it that far.

Six ways to end your life

1 – Volunteer at the animal shelter. Okay so that’s a fair hassle but it will pay off. Steal one of the kittens and take it on the date. This may distract her from you, but at least you have the power and hold all the cards. In fact you might want to leave it at home. She can come and see it later. Better still just buy a kitten. ( God this post is going downhill fast….)

2- Take her to see CATS ( the musical). Fairly obvious one here but if that doesn’t get you somewhere – nothing will.

3- A trip to the  karaoke bar might be a good shout. Dazzle her with a bit of Tom Jones.What’s new pussy cat? A notch in her bedpost that’s what.

4- Show her this picture:

Yeh, how do you like those orgasms?

5 – Brush up on your ancient history. An hour on Wiki or Google before the date should suffice. Bash out some random facts about Egypt and talk about how impressed you were at the Mummified Cat Exhibition at the Museum Of  Natural History. If you feel out of your depth try a different approach. Perhaps comment on the decline of big cats in the wild due to poaching, deforestation and inbreeding. If all else fails just say you’ve seen Cats And Dogs on DVD a thousand times with your little cousin.

6 – Brag about that time you fought a mouse…

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My Top Ten Albums:10

My Top Ten Favourite

Albums

Does anyone remember the first album they ever owned?

I do.

Right Said Fred – Up.

Awful.

Wasn’t he the same guy from The Crystal Maze? Maybe there was a Cat Walk in the Aztec Zone.

I remember my Old man coming home from work one night – shouting me down from my bedroom – and handing me this on cassette tape. I looked at him bemused. Was this really my first album? What a kick in the balls. But I was a child who couldn’t even tie his shoelaces yet, so I’m guessing the knowledge of performing a polite decline wasn’t quite there yet.

Maybe I loved Right Said Fred.

Maybe I begged for the album.

Regardless, I was too young to know any better and I went ahead and listened to it any way as it was the only music I owned.

With songs like ‘I’m too sexy’, and lyrics such as “Don’t talk just kiss, let your tongue  fool around” I’m surprised I didn’t grow up to have a career in theatre. But at that age the only thing my tongue was doing was licking Push Pops and impersonating the dog; Don’t get those two mixed up folks.

Anyway it wasn’t long until I gained my own identity and bought my very first album. And I’m proud to say that album has made it onto this list: A true test of time.

So folks over the next few weeks I’ll bring to you my top ten favourite albums.

But just a few points before I start;

  • 1. This is my top ten so don’t expect to see anything from The Beatles, Bob Dylan or The Rolling stones on here. With all due respect, I just don’t listen to a lot of  older music. In fact there is nothing on the list below 1996. In short; this is my favourite albums. Not VH1’s,NME’s or that drunk mess from your local.
  • 2. There is no Foo Fighters on this list. They are my favourite band and would take up 5 of the 10 spots. Instead I will do a top Foo Fighters list in the future.
  • 3. I’m always up for recommendations! Send them over. I’m a new music whore but will dabble in the classics from time to time.

10

Mew

And The Glass Handed Kites

Nice cover. Remind me never to take acid.

When it comes to music taste I would admit that I hardly push boundaries. I’m easy pleased. Give me something I can sing along with and a punchy chorus and you’ve won me. With the attention span of a goldfish, I crave hard-hitting and simply structured songs. Mew’s – And The Glass Handed Kites, really doesn’t cater for that, (perhaps the single ‘Snow Brigade’ being the glaring exception off the equally great ‘Frengers’ ) yet I seem to have everlasting patience and love for this band. In my opinion; this album is beautiful, and it really has grown on me over the years.

I first heard Mew when I was nineteen whilst skimming through MySpace. It was the song ‘Special’ that initially got me interested, but it wasn’t until a year or so later that I really gave them a proper listen. I got a hold of both ‘And The Glass Handed Kites’ and ‘Frengers’ at the same time, but it was mostly ‘Frengers’  I played as it had enough hooks to keep me coming back for more. Once I got over that there wasn’t many anthems coming my way, I began to appreciate Mew for what they are, and not for what I wanted them to be.

Can I describe what they sound like? Well no. Musical descriptions isn’t my strong point. I don’t know my bridges from brothels, and I’m not going to sit and copy and paste from Wikipedia and the web. The list is what it is, but I’ll try my best to keep it interesting.

Lately I have been listening to Mew a fair bit. The perfect accompaniment to rainy days and wasted hours. They aren’t going to be up everyone’s street and I didn’t expect them to be up mine. But there is something somewhat mesmerizing about Mew. So much so,that I long for more rainy days.

Favourite Song: Apocalypso

Not for you? Try: A Dark Design

A mention…: Frengers. It’s a tough call between the two albums and I probably like them both as much as the other. Check out 156, (Cool animated video by the way if you can find it) Am I Wry? No, Snow Brigade, and Comforting Sounds.