Monthly Archives: October 2009

FOR ALL THE COWS – Singin’ In The Rain


It is no secret that the sun makes people happy and brings out the best in you.In Aberdeen the sun just needs to reach for his hat, and girls are in bikinis before you could say “factor fuck all”. Since Scotland gets about two weeks of sun a year,the long Summer days are fully capitalized by games of football,bottles of cider and gorging on Mcflurrys.However since being in Australia i have found that not only am i used to the sun – i actually don’t like it that much anymore. It seems the cards have been reversed. The sight of a raincloud,the smell of a fresh rain and the satisfying noise of water rattling off the roof,sends me into a calm,relaxed state.I think of home and feel incredibly at peace. Sadly storms are far and few between over here and don’t last very long,so the feeling doesn’t last. I feel incredibly smug walking through the city centre with my hood up,laughing at everyone running for cover – ‘I’m from Scotland! I walk through 400 mile per hour winds,hailstones the size of golf balls and raindrops like bullets,wearing only my underwear! Harden up Australia!’.
As i watch the crowd run for every available door way,like cockroaches scattering when you put on a light, i see no umbrellas or hoods at all. Understandable in ‘the sunshine state’ i guess. Why would you carry one when it rarely rains? That would be like carrying a condom at a retirement home, bingo evening. Just not likely to use it are you?
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not looking forward to dealing with the elements of that bitch – Mother Nature when i return, but for now i appreciate the odd down pour. As they say – ‘the best things in life are free’.
Talking of battling nature,I’ve had a war with the resident ants that live in and around the house.As soon as you leave a knife or a stray crumb about,the kitchen surface is swamped with them. I love animals big and small so the real battle comes in not trying to kill any of them. However i lost the plot when they had claimed the pate, and i went on a killing spree. And if they conquer my food cupboard i will in slave them all and make them build a tree house. A word of warning ants. I’m not fucking around anymore.
Ive been a bit of a wimp on the creepy crawly front really. I’m terrorised by the spider that lives in my bathroom. I have visions of it jumping on my face,crawling down my throat and bursting out my stomach.Or tying me to my bed and torturing me until i guarantee the release of the ants.Not only am i surrounded physically,they also surround my thoughts. I have an over active imagination,and every now and then i have a terrible nights sleep. From night terrors to sleepwalking – I’ve done it all over the years ( I’ll touch on that another day) and I’ve now started seeing spiders in my bed,on the wall and anywhere else my imagination will take me. Fantastic. Another thing to freak me out. Grab a chair ants. It’ll be your time soon.
So I’ve secured full time hours at work so the ball is well and truly rolling in terms of saving. As long as i don’t fall into gambling again,go out every weekend and stay clear of impulse purchases i should be fine. I’ve defiantly grown and matured as a person and know how to budget now. There was no doubt money created a huge problem for me back home. I’m glad i can appreciate it and use it wisely now.
I received a package from home containing trainers,t shirts,sweets and other treats. Like a child on Christmas day i jumped around the room,tore open the box and was hyper as hell. I’ve hardly bought anything for myself over the year and this was an amazing treat for me. Thanks so much Dad. That made my week and i defiantly appreciate it.I’m sure the ants will have a feast.
That’ll wrap it up for now folks. Not long until i reach the shores of Scotland again. Come rain or shine (the first being more likely) im looking forward to seeing you all again. So get the kettle on. Theres plenty of stories to tell,laughs to be had and songs to dance too.
We can even go ‘singin‘ in the rain’.
Take it easy folks.

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FOR ALL THE COWS – Merlin the wonder dog.


NEWS FLASH!

A Scottish man was stopped on the way home,on a Brisbane bus today – for standing in ‘the red zone’.
The incident happened at approximately 11pm, Queensland time and ended in dramatic style, as the man in question pulled a ‘hissy fit’ after exiting the bus.

According to sources the man was merely waiting to get off the bus, when the rotund,blonde,whore bag rudely (and unnecessarily) took out his right headphone and proceeded to talk down to him like he was a junkie on the way to the medical centre.
This is the latest of many incidents that have plagued the man in question, on recent bus journeys, to and from the city and Tarragindi.

We managed to catch up with the ‘Angry Scotsman’ and he had this to say…..

“I don’t know what i have done wrong to the bus drivers in Brisbane. Maybe my accent, my orderly fashion and the fact i live in the city may all contribute to the offense i cause. I was merely standing to get off a half empty bus,when i was rudely ushered back a few steps by the driver. But i guess she was only trying to help. Who knows what body organ i could of trapped in those doors”.

This will come as no shock to the Brisbane community. Last year an elderly man was ordered to remove the pins in his left hip,as it was a ‘health and safety hazard’ to fellow passengers.

So i live with a dog named ‘Merlin’. Who looks like the luck dragon from ‘The never ending story’.I love him. I really do. However he has became accustomed to me taking him for walks. So when Josh and Alex go to work he skips down the stairs,shits everywhere and scratches at the door to wake me up. I try to ignore him as i don’t want him to think that he can get away with wakening me up every morning,to go for walks around the block.He usually gives up pretty quickly.

On wednesday however i got woken up by a stressed out blonde at the door,who had run him over with her car! He escapes every now and then by ramming the door until it comes ajar. According to the woman he jumped out in the road,she slammed on the brakes and somehow – amazingly – he went under the car and not the wheels. And he is perfectly fine to the relief of the woman and myself.

So he is one lucky dog. I can see it now. With little time to think and a car tearing along the street,Merlin throws himself backwards in slow motion as the car smoothly slides centimetres from his cold,fluffy little nose.He calmy and coolly walks to the pavement,lights a ciggerette and says “just another walk in the park”.I guess he really is – “The luck dragon”.

I’ve now booked the first part of my journey home after much indecision. I’ll be flying into Phuket,Thailand on the 3rd of January for a month or two of sun,sea and………well……..whatever else comes my way. I feel completely confident,doing it on my own.Wasn’t really that scared when i left home so i have no real reason to be now. Definately looking forward to getting loose and having fun. Still like it here in Brisbane but im eager to keep the ball rolling and i love Asia. So im a week off booking my flight home. Should be back Spring next year for a while. So get the kettle on.

Apart from that nothing much has been happening! Wearing to many odd socks,taking as much work as im offered and watching far to much tele. It’s like im sitting in an airport terminal,walking around window shopping,having coffee and killing time until my flight. However i don’t really mind the delay.Plenty to keep me occupied.

Definatly made some great friends here and had some awesome times. I’ll take a lot away from Brisbane. Its been fun. Will i be back? Probably not anytime soon, sadly. Just to far a field and i will be elsewhere this time next year hopefully. But i might see Josh again as he will be on his adventures soon also. There will be no more adventures for Merlin.