For All The Cows – How Tom Green can ruin your night…

It’s absolutely infuriating.

I want to write. I really do. So what is the problem?

Am I really going to go through this lengthy process again? And again? And….well you get the point. I see a pattern emerging and again I am fully aware of it.

You  know –  I’m the first person to point out my faults and I know them all very well. Dealing with them is  like cooking a romantic meal.You know if you are patient,gentle and calm, it will turn out tasting and looking great.But if you can’t be bothered from the get go all you want to do is flame the hell out of it,poke it around, slap it on the plate and serve it to the dog,knowing he will be the only person that will like it.

Constantly catering for and understanding my messed up head is exhausting,but now that I know I can get the better of it,creating a nice dish isn’t all that difficult. Light a candle.Put on some music. Make the most of it and enjoy it.

Ok so I’ll stop it with the cryptic messages and confusing analogies that absolutely no one understands.

In other words – Let’s cut the nonsense.

I’ll just skip straight to the point shall I?

I feel like I’m constantly taking my own advice. If this sounds confusing to you it is but bear with me.

I feel like my blogging persona ( in reality; my rational,helpful forward thinking side of my conscience) is who I want to be off-screen aswell as on. If this sounds egotistical to you and self-absorbed it most certainly is and you are definitely right. But i like that guy a lot better than the guy who sits around the house,streaming wrestling and taking naps.

I prefer the ‘blogger’ side of me. However confused he may be he has the right idea

(yes I am referring to myself in third person – big whoop – wanna fight about it?)

and I should really be reading between the lines and taking my own advice.Anyway i’ve come to realise what i really want to do/have a proper go at in my life.

I want to write.

Broad – yes. But it’s a start.

Ask me that same question two years ago I’d have still said a racecar driver or a cowboy

(of course i’ve never wanted to be any of those things but you get the meaning behind it)

It’s something I think about constantly,from when I wake up in the morning untill I go to sleep at night and all those wasted hours in between. I certainly  don’t want to be in the kitchen anymore. I know this. And the time is soon approaching where I can finally do something about it. Over the past couple of months I’ve spent around an hour a day looking at a blank screen wanting and pleading with myself to start writing. Anything at all. And I’m coming out blank. Last night I lay in bed for three hours thinking about it and all I could think about was the word Swedish.And then again. Some more Swedish. And some more.

Seriously Tom Green. Your career is over. Don’t sabotage mine before I’ve even started.

It’s the same thing over and over again. As soon as I lay down I want to write. And is soon as I start writing I can’t.And I didn’t plan to write any of this today.

I can’t blame Tom Green as much as I’d like too.

But you know what I’ve realised?

Throughout all of my entries there have been the same recurring themes.

Motivation and change.

I write about those two things constantly yet never take my own advice.

Weather it be writing about my bad habits,past experiences or just total nonsense, it all centres around change and want of it.

The other day (Let’s say Tuesday. You can make it sound funny if you say it with a thick tounge and in a funny voice).

Yes – I really do have that much time.

I read all my blogs back to myself as if it was a stranger i was reading about. I tried to really get behind my own words and draw some sort of conclusion of what I was truly trying to gain from writing. Yeh it’s fun,rewarding and enjoyable but as i’ve touched on before – it goes deeper than that.It’s nice to know that some people read them but that’s not what it’s about although it does keep me going. This is a true outlet for me and I treat it as some sort of therapy (fuck your ink blots Oberhalzer). Everytime I post I feel ten times better about the days ahead and feel like i’ve hit a reset switch in my head.

I’m not hard to get on with. It’s getting on with myself that’s the problem.

I am a man of needs.

We all need food,water and masturbation but let’s push past the necessities.

Well – i guess that answers that desert island question……

I need to be motivated. I need guidance.I need to be put in my place.I need to be told when I’m wrong. I need to be social. I need to be pushed.I need to be challenged. I need a purpose. I need to be out there(don’t ask where – just there) I need my imagination. I need confidence. I need to have faith in myself.

I don’t need new socks however i do need new underwear

I have most of those things already.

But I constantly need change.

And again that’s something that I have. I constantly have change. However it’s like changing a battery in a clock. You try fourteen different batteries,knowing too well that most of them are dead,yet throwing them out isn’t an option. Keeping them in a drawer and holding on to them makes no sense yet I still do it. Time won’t move on unless you do. You’re going to need new batteries. Focus on one. Throw the rest away. And much like the battery – Move with the time. Otherwise you will be left counting the minutes.

I just can’t stop that can I?

Change is only possible if you have the mental tools to do it. If you are constantly fighting a battle against it,nothing good will come of it. And that’s the spot i find myself in. And I’ve been down this road many times before.More recently in this post –motivation.

It’s a lot easier said than done. Or in my case written.

Reading back my thoughts to myself is quite an eye opener as I don’t do it often.

I realise that my  blogging persona makes sense to me,and that’s where I’m striving to be.It is the productive side that I must embrace and live with.And it’s the direction I need to go in. The other side of me is shit. And I’m done with it. He is a time waster with the best of intentions but a time waster never the less. I need to stop writing about the things I want to achieve and write about  doing them. Otherwise I honestly can’t see myself being a success.

Brutally honest but painfully true.

Next year is a big one for me. I’m moving back to the UK and it is a great opportunity to pursue what I want.And what I want is the ability to write organically,and naturally with the option of taking a step on the career ladder.But  right now I must take baby steps towards it Better than walking round in circles or taking steps backwards and also more realistic than big strides forwards. That how you pull a groin folks.

I want to write. And not about wanting to write.

You know what? Scrap that.

I need to write.

But first and foremost. I have to end the stalemate with my lazy other half,shake hands and call a truss.

I must change.

Then hopefully – the world will change with me.

Take it easy folks.

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About Darren Crocker

Twenty nine year old from Aberdeen, Scotland now residing in Edinburgh. View all posts by Darren Crocker

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