Under My Umbarella

Do spiders take in their webs at night time or rainy weather?Was out the back having a cheeky fag with the parents fast asleep without the grillings on health and general shit ive heard for three years now.Do flys not fly at night?Do they settle in for the evening with their fly lovers watching the avaitor,cracking open the revels and cheese and onion pringles?When i tried to disspose of my ciggerete in the gutter Mr spider seemed to give me a look of disgust like i was rude to awkanen him in the middle of the night.It seems that spiders need shut eye too or eight and ive never thought of them needing any.I mean if you have eight eyes surely one would always be on the ball waiting for pisshead flys to drunkenly stumble into their web with a can of carling and a pokey of chips.Do flys go out with their pals midweek for a casual drink? I think not.But surely there is more to their life than shagging on dog turds and landing in your ice cream.Its a short and hollow life being a fly but a simple and fullfilling one at that.I just cant help to wonder if spiders lead more exciting ones.I mean they are up the food chain.Surely they enjoy a pint with the football like everyone else.
Andy recently informed me that the same guy i enjoyed several shots of tequila with in the Ukraine also enjoyed a drink or two with a couple of other unexpecting scotsmen.Apparently two lads shared a bevvie with him and after a few procedded to go back to the gentlemans hotel room with a couple of ladies in arm.After a period of time which im not to sure of the Ukrainian police raided the room,took the guys in to a car and drove them out into the the unwelcoming Russian countryside.They were then told to empty their pockets,give them all the cash they had or be beaten and left.They procedded to give them what they had and they were driven back unscaved.I consider myself a lucky boy as this clearly could of been me if i wasnt thrown into a taxi home at the time that i was.Apparently the genourus gentleman was a member of the mafia and the two ladies on his arm were high profile prostitutes.Oh dear.I just seem to keep dodging these crazy run ins!
Im just back from a date which i am more than happy with and on a bit of a high so i think ill celebrate in the way that every other guy does by cleaning my room in the morning and head to the gym for a half hearted effort in the afternoon.It is the only way.I may even make a toastie on the George Foreman soon.East to use,easy to clean and only an arm distance away.Do spiders have George Foremans?Do they not get board of having their typhiod infected pray raw?Surely they must.It would be like having sushi for your lunch everyday.Which by the way im all for.I love sushi.Its the food of gods.Well behind Steak.Medium to rare.Bosker.What about the spider on the wall?Do they get off to watching you touch yourself in a drunken stuper?If only humans had eight arms.Just think of the possibilitys.Opens a whole new window to satisfaction.Flys are clearly inadequate with six.I think thats why they are so far down the food chain.Its all sexually related.Anyway off to bed i go.Lets just hope that all eyes are shut
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About Darren Crocker

Twenty nine year old from Aberdeen, Scotland now residing in Edinburgh. View all posts by Darren Crocker

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