Sporadic Movement

Sometimes i find myself getting on better with mental people than my pals and this makes me wonder if i will actually be mental myself one day.Im sure down the line i will have something completely cukkoo about me but so will everyone else in some shape or form – could be fun though.Take Nigel for example.For anyone thats never met Nigel the only difference between him and a wooden spoon is a dodgy haircut and a jacket thats worn in every weather condition.But hes honeslty one of the most brilliant people ive met.Nigel is a 31 year old man with Schizophrenia,Diabites,depression amongst other things and he stays in the home that houses all sorts of weird craters from around our city.You will most likely see him at Mcdonalds,Clapping at people walking past,smoking and drinking diet cokes all day.He comes into my work everyday for a bacon roll about three diet cokes and to steal the god damn paper.Nigel is well known around the area and he seems to be friends with everyone – well at least in his mind.If you showed kids two pictures – one of the Prime Minister and one of Nigel they would most likely know the latter more.He knows more faces than a cheap escort and talked to more people than Jeremy Kyle.Despite Nigels obvious problems hes a bright spark – well – to a certain extent.Id feel i would be insulting by calling him dim because hes not.I think hes cleverer than he lets on.Hes no Einstein,but he makes up for it with a constant speel of garbage and a funny as fuck/addictive personality.Although too much Nigel can make you want to run infront of a bus, work would simply be boring without him and he is up there with my all time favourite local legends!And on top of that – hes completely harmless.Theres not much competition to be fair as i cant say i talk to much of the other strange wonders that bless our city.Well thats not 100% true as alot of people who are nutty as hell come into the restaurant on a daily basis as it is directly across the road from the home.Nigel however stands out.Ive excluded junkie slags and drunknen hobos from local legends because they have dug their own grave and pickled their own brain.The folk from the home havent to the best of my knowledge.Maybe soduku sent them over the edge.It will turn me loopy im telling you.Who the fuck deceided that doing soduku was a fun and motivating activity on your lunch break??All i gained from it was a sore head and an appatite to hurl my plate off the next customer that walked past me.Same goes for the suns clueless crossword.What the fuck???Are they for real?Im i just stupid or are they not super hard?I havent completed it yet and that particulur puzzle sends me dangourously close to picking up the broken plate and jabbing it into my eyes.Ive only recently started doing the puzzle page as ive recently ditched “Dear Deidre”.Theres only so much times you can read about some girls boyfriend losing an erection and a 45 year old house wife sleeping with her 20 year old sons best freind.I think my life ambition is to be the person that writes these problems for the paper.Id come up with some crackers for sure.
Anyway…The chances are if your standing at the bus stop down Holburn Street way Nigel might come up and chat to you about utter nonsense such as “Im getting my toe nails clipped today” or “I havent drunk in 13 years,yehhhhh” which im sure youl’l agree is a pleasent change from “i need a pound to go see my blonde in hospital” or “got a spare fag?” Nigel would probably crash you a fag.Hes a total legend.
Im meant to be playing football just now but quite frankly – i cant be arsed.I had a shit game last week so ill use that as my excuse for sitting on my todd.Good enough for me.So i shall spend the evening dozing off infront of some shite film.Just cant beat it.
Take it easy folks.If i dont see you within the next ten years the diet cokes are on me……

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About Darren Crocker

Twenty nine year old from Aberdeen, Scotland now residing in Edinburgh. View all posts by Darren Crocker

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